


Full Dinner Jacket

by audreycritter



Series: Cor Et Cerebrum [14]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Ridiculous, honestly, i have literally no idea where this takes place in the timeline, it's tooth-rotting, possibly early summer, puppy dog eyes, pure pure pure fluff, secret weapons, the wayne family takes pretend warfare way too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-08-29 21:26:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8505997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreycritter/pseuds/audreycritter
Summary: Bruce just can't get an afternoon of work at home anymore. It's pointless to even try.





	1. Chapter 1

Bruce hears the commotion in the den all the way from his study. He goes to investigate and when he pushes the door open, he immediately wishes he hadn’t.

He catches the Nerf dart an inch from his face.

“INTRUDER,” Jason roars.

“Aliens interrupt the civil war!” Tim shouts.

“And our forces unite-- no, D, stop aiming at Tim, we’re refocusing our efforts,” Dick says, reaching over and forcibly turning Damian’s Nerf gun toward Bruce.

“I’m unarmed,” Bruce says.

“That’s what they all say!” Stephanie yells from behind a couch and he can see just the tip of her Nerf gun peeking out now that he’s looking for it.

“I come in peace?” he offers, knowing it’s a lost cause.

“Lies,” Cass hisses.

He looks up. She’s hanging from a beam, one hand gripping the wood and one hand on a Nerf crossbow trained on him.

“Cassandra,” he says. “Get down. Also, you’re my favorite.”

She drops to the ground and stands, and he can see her resolve flickering.

“That smacks of bloody desperation,” Dev says from right near Bruce’s head, “Don’t listen to him, Cass, love.”

Her eyes shift and the crossbow goes back up.

Bruce leans forward to peer around the door he opened. Dev is standing there pressed against the wall.

“Hullo,” he says.

“Not you, too,” Bruce protests.

“Bloody hell, yes,” Dev says. “This is the most fun I’ve had since that snowball fight.”

Bruce takes a step into the room and Cass takes a step back.

“Cass,” Dick says.

“Cass,” Bruce says, ignoring Dev.

“ _NOW_ ,” Jason bellows and everything happens at once.

Cass throws the toy crossbow at him and when he puts his hand up to catch it, Dev closes the door, and when he turns to see the door, Cass drops and swipes her leg in an arc and he goes down.

They’re all on top of him in an instant.

“Hiya, Bruce,” Dick says from right by his ear in the pile.

“Let me up,” Bruce says. “I was working.”

“Going to nuclear option,” Tim says, pretending to talk on a walkie talkie with crackling noises from somewhere near Bruce’s knee in the pile of bodies.

“Roger that,” Stephanie answers with radio static sounds. “Nuclear option engaging. Do we have a go for the red button?”

“Chrrk. We have a go,” Dev answers. “General, on your mark.”

“Launching warhead Demonbird, over,” Jason replies from right above Bruce’s head.

There’s some rearranging of bodies in the pile and Bruce grunts under the weight. Then Damian’s face is hanging right in front of his, the boy held from his ankles by someone above.

“Father,” Damian says, and Bruce didn’t even know _the kid knew how to make puppy eyes_ and his life as a parent is officially in the tank, it’s over, he’s never going to be able to say no again.

“Damian?” he replies evenly, but he can feel the falter in it, he knows he’s betrayed himself and how much he just melted inside.

“Please play with us,” Damian says, blinking innocently.

“Hn,” Bruce grumbles. “Alright.”

Damian vanishes, pulled up onto the top of the pile.

“How did I do?” Bruce hears him ask.

“You did awesome,” Dick tells the boy.

“ _Kaboom_ ,” Cass says in a whisper.

“I’m getting up now,” Bruce announces. “And when I do, it’s every man for himself.”

“Or woman!” Stephanie shouts.

“Or woman,” he agrees. “But the boy is with me.”

“If you can take him from me,” Dick retorts.

“New game,” Jason says and Bruce… _damnit Jay not the feet_ …can feel him tickling Bruce’s foot idly while he talks. “Capture Damian. Capture the Flag rules.”

“I’m really getting up now,” Bruce says.

“Wait, what rules?” Dev is asking.

And Bruce throws them all off.


	2. In the Trenches

The war has been going on so long Captain Drake can’t really remember what life was like before, but he remembers they had coffee then. He misses coffee. It’s been at least three hours.

And the war is a mess. There are at least four factions involved and no one even knows what they’re fighting for anymore. The factions keep splitting and rearranging around them, too, so it’s confusing as hell.

The man sitting next to him in the trench (the spot behind the couch) tears the foil off a ration (a granola bar) and hands it to him.

“No, Dev, it’s–”

“The last one, my liege. And you should have it. I know what a strain it is to be away from your own lands, away from your Fae people’s drink.”

“I’m not–”

“It has coffee in it, Timothy.”

Captain Drake eats the granola bar.

He should have expected this alliance with Captain Devabhaktuni. It was not the first war they’d fought in together.

He shrieks a little when a body suddenly flops over the couch and onto his lap.

It’s The Child.

The One they’ve been fighting over.

“I’m joining you,” Damian announces, sitting up. “Dick keeps trying to make me go hide in the kitchen.”

“Luring us to snacks,” Captain Drake hisses. “The fiend.”

“Or to velociraptors,” Captain Dev growls. “Bloody same sentiment.”

“If we have you, we might as well use you,” Captain Drake says. “That face was incredibly effective.”

“Let’s test in new conditions,” Captain Dev says.

“It’s better than hiding in the kitchen,” Damian mutters.

“Bruce!” Captain Drake shouts. “We have the boy! We’re prepared to propose a trade!”

“I did not agree to that!” Damian exclaims, alarmed.

“Trust me,” Captain Drake whispers.

“Trust him,” Captain Dev adds. “You do have a plan, Timothy?”

“Okay, Damian, show me the face,” Captain Drake says.

Damian does so.

“What kind of trade?” Bruce asks from across the room.

“Now!” Captain Drake says, pushing Damian up onto his feet. The boy establishes eye contact.  
“Ask him if we can get ice cream after this.”

“Can we get ice cream after this?” Damian asks, batting his eyes. Captain Drake can see just one side of his face from where he sits.

“Fine, sure, what trade?”

“Your life for the boy’s!” Captain Drake yells. Then he drops his voice and hisses to Damian, “We started off easy and now we go big. Ask him to surrender.”

Damian doesn’t even falter.

“Father,” he says, pausing for effect. “Will you please surrender?”

And even if Bruce knows (and he has to know) he’s being played, there’s a heavy sigh and Bruce says, “Yes, whatever.”

Captain Dev looks around at Captain Drake and tips his head in respect.

“Mad skills,” he says.

“King of the Fae,” Captain Drake answers.


End file.
